COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
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Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog