Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
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My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
live, laugh, laundry.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends