Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
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Sniffing the broccoli
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
At least he brought enough for everyone
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.