Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Would you wear it?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me