Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
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Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
what is cheese if not milk persevering
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.