I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
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If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
this could fix me
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?