“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
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My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
no one likes gloating
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}