When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
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One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.