SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Anime is real
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
📽️movie date🎞️