After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
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If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Simple
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.