If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
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My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.