I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
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imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?