When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
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*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
What is going on? 😅
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.