When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
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6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.