What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
You Might Also Like
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark