My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
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*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO