Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?