“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
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ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I know this now 😂
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules