Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
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Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
(Gaming support cat.)
real