Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
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*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.