detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
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Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked