[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.