Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
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Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’