Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.