[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
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H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
a lot to unpack here
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
It’s a gift