My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
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My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
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I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick