The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
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[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.