Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
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Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.