Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
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If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Hello Twits.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Ovenable?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children