Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
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[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.