Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
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People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
spicy snake
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting