absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
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Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.