Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
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A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Me trying to “trust the process”
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.