3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
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ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.