Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
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We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
This made me chuckle.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”