me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
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Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
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Dead:
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.