Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
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You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.