Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
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banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.