Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
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One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”