She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
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HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either