If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
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Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y