so i’m at the stock market right
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[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
all that yoga finally paid off
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.