UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
You Might Also Like
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
“and how does that make you feel?”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.