maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
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I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Smooooooth
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.