Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
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The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
You had me at “define legal”.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”