clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
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Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.