Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
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[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?