All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
You Might Also Like
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince