Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
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A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.