14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
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20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!